Tuesday, November 11, 2014

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT: Dear Mary, Where do I TURN TURN I TURN INTO RENATA!




DEAR MARY U HEARD WHAT MOTHER YOLLA SHE SAID she is going TO YIELD ME UP TO THE AUTHORITIES SHE SAID SHE WILL TURN ME IN, NO MATTER THAT I WILL BE HANGED MOTHER YOLLA SAID SHE CANNOT PROTECT ME SHE HAS TO THINK ABOUT THE CONVENT MOTHER YOLLA DOESN'T LOVE ME ENOUGH TO SAVE ME
my mother loved me enough BUT her anxiety was so great that I MUST NOT HAVE FELT IT she never gave me the unconditional love that I craved Mary

Mary MARINO my therapist says that I have to give it to myself that I have to reparent my

MOTHER YOLLA SAYS SHE CANNOT RISK THE REPUTATION OF THE CONVENT MOTHER SAID IN SO FEW WORDS THAT SHE WOULD RATHER SEE ME DEAD HANGED HANGED HANGED HANGED THAN TAKE THE CHANCE TAKE THE CHANCE SO NOW

WHAT THE
WHAT THE
WHAT THE
What am I to do

WHEN YOU ARE AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE MARY WHEN YOU HAVE NO MORE  HOPE MARY WHAT DO YOU DO YOU AAAAAASSSSSSKKKKKKK MARY, DIVINE MARY FOR HELP I DON'T WANT TO HANG I DON'T WANT TO DIE I WANT TO LIVE AND GIVE OF MYSELF TO GOD AND OTHERS AFTER ALL I AM A DEVOTEE I AM A a good nun A GOOD NUN, I HAVE GIVEN MYSELF HEART AND SOUL TO GOD, I HAVE BEEN A NUN FOR SO SO LONG AND NOW

No, it has not been long at all I have just become the nun, just now, just just just now I have turned
into

WHAT
WHO?

IF I RUN IF I RUN I CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM MYSELF AND MY DUTY ANYMORE I CANNOT CANNOT WHERE WOULD I GO SAN FRANCISCO? ARTHUR SAYS HE WILL TAKE ME BUT WHAT WOULD I DO MARRY ARTHUR MARRY MARY

HELP ME MARY SHALL I RUN AWAY MARRRRRRRY ARTHUR
GOD I WANT TO BE A NUN, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A NUN, DEAR MARRRRRRRY

NO, I WOULDN'T CONSIDER MARRYING ARTHUR HE IS A DEAR DEAR MAN A GOOD SOUL BUT NOT A PERSON NOT FOR ME

MARY MARY MARY MARY HELP ME HELP SEÑORA HELP HER OUT OF HER DEEP COMA COMA COMA COMA COMA PLEASE HELP ME NOW I WON'T LEAVE HER I WON'T EVER EVER EVER LEAVE YOU YOU UNDERSTAND THAT BABY C YOU UNDERSTAND ME, I LOVE YOU MARY YOU LOVE ME TOO, 

My therapist Mary said I have to bring love to my fear and anxiety I have to envelope myself in love and when I do I will have Divine forces helping me to helping me helping

YOU HAVE TO LOVE AND CHERISH YOUR INNER CHILD, pick her up whenever she cries and cries and thinks you will abandon her you won't though you won't! I won't let you

MARY MARY MARY MARY YOU HAVE BEEN WITH ME UNITED WITH ALL THE ILLUMINATED SOULS HERE AT MY MEDITATION TABLE I HAVE FINALLY BEEN ABLE TO SPEAK TO SAY I WON'T EVER EVER EVER STOP LOVING YOU MARY MARY MARY MARY

I WON'T LEAVE SEÑORA

I am sitting here in the dark alone with her in the middle of the night holding her limp hand with one of my own and writing here in my journal with the other, weeping because I cannot leave I cannot run away anymore I must face the facts that I actually will die, I actually will hang I will die so maybe that is what Mary wants? Why Why DEAR GOD I did not kill my cousin I did not make my mother sick IT WASN'T MY FAULT THAT MY MOTHER WAS SO DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS Dear Mary, I want to know what you want me to do WHERE DO I GO? what? I am finally listening finally hearing finally finally BUT YOU MUST SPEAK TO ME TELL ME WHETHER I SHOULD RUN? HOW? WHERE? DEAR MARY, THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING TO ME, YES, I HEARD YOU at the moment I thought I would die of the depression that it would just never end never NEVER I found Mary I found Mary the therapist and she spoke to me over the phone and she told me to love my depression, invite her in, tell her -- your inner child -- that you love her unconditionally, invite the depression right into your heart and soul right into your laptop where you are writing now and when you do you will have the whole of the Infinite you will be sad you will be happy but you will know how to respond to your deepest feelings you will have a partner in the NUN YOU WILL FINALLY UNDERSTAND THE BIG PICTURE THAT YOU ARE HER AND SHE IS YOU AND BOTH OF YOU NEED TO GO FREE you thought you were going back in time to save the nun but along you were saving your own self you must understand you must write no matter what no matter who reads who reads you need just like you need to breathe you need to

WRITE I MUST WRITE THE ENDING OF SISTER MYSTERIES PLEASE MARY I NEED YOU I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHERE DO I RUN WHAT DOES A NUN DO WHEN SHE HASN'T KILLED HER COUSIN BUT SHE IS DESTINED TO HANG IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED BACK IN 1884? DID I DIE DID SHE HANG NO NO NO NO NO PLEASE MARY SHOW ME THE WAY TO FREE HER FREE ME SHE SAYS TO HERSELF

"What?" Is that what I think it is it is it is

"What?" I WHISPER.

Señora squeezes my hand.

"SEÑORA...ARE YOU...ARE YOU AWAKE?" I DROP THE JOURNAL BUT I STILL HAVE THE LAPTOP HERE AT MY MEDITATION TABLE I STILL SHE

DROPS THE JOURNAL AND NOW SHE IS BENDING OVER HOLDING HER DEAR DEAR SEÑORA'S HAND IT IS DARK THERE IS NOTHING SHE CANNOT SEE THE OLD WOMAN'S COAL BLACK EYES BUT SHE HEARS HER SPEAK, WHISPER SOMETHING CAN THIS BE A DREAM DID RENATA FALL ASLEEP DID I? DID I ? IS SHE HEARING REALLY HEARING

Señora speaks now in Spanish and I cannot say it myself I have to go on the Internet and get one of those English to Spanish translations:

Tome la revista páginas tomar ellos les muestran a las autoridades por favor, Renata que todos conocemos, se me que terminó Antonie, he mantenido la hoja hice el final cut y él venció en un charco de sangre en mi regazo,

"take the journal pages and show them to the authorities, please Renata

"Take the journal pages take them show them to the authorities please Renata let them LET ALL THE WORLD AND ITS ILLUMINATED BEINGS let all know it was me who finished Antonie, I held the blade I made the final cut and he expired in a pool of blood in my lap

my laptop. I am writing all of this at my meditation table where for 18 years i have been TRYING TO SOLVE THE SISTER MYSTERIES TRYING TO RESOLVE THE TIME TRAVEL NUN STORY

I am weeping now so delighted Señora is back, she is out of the coma, she is awake "YOU ARE AWAKE!" I hug her and my tears pour out onto her coffee and cream colored face, wrinkled and soft as a pillow.

"I will go get Mother Yolla and the others, I will get you some water, some tea, you must be so so thirsty," she doesn't answer but she squeezes my hand and when I turn I swear I see Mary the Virgen de Guadalupe, her sky baby blue veil where I tucked myself all those years ago when I had the chemo I had the cancer

I WILL BE WRITE BACK I squeeze her hand and she squeezes mine and I race out of the room and down the hall to Mother Yolla's room and knock once on the door and barge in because Señora is awake

SEÑORA SHE IS AWAKE I SCREAM I PULL ON MOTHER YOLLA'S SHOULDER

"What..what? huh?" Suddenly Mother Yolla is sitting up and out of the bed she and I race down the hall screaming SHE'S AWAKE SHE'S AWAKE SO ALL THE NUNS WILL HEAR and in seconds flat there are a dozen of us here in her room and it smells sour and fouled as if Señora has peed her bed but no matter she is awake

GO MAKE HER SOME TEA Mother Yolla screams and Teresa dear Teresa runs out of the room and Mother Yolla screams

LIGHT A CANDLE,

Mother Yolla has Señora's limp hand in hers and she must be feeling the squeeze

"She squeezed my hand, Mother Yolla, she squeezed my hand and then she spoke to me, she told me what to do she told me to take...."

Mother Yolla interrupts me. "Renata, her hand is limp."

"That can't be, she was just holding and squeezing and talking to me."

"Come here my dear," Mother Yolla is not angry, just tired very very tired. "Feel her hand my dear."

I do. I feel Señora's hand and it is warm and as limp as a dead fish.

"But she was awake, I swear it. I felt her squeeze my hand. I know I did I did I did," and then I am caving in, I am sobbing uncontrollably now everything is caving in on me I am going to hang and my dear dear Señora is not awake now

Teresa arrives with the mug of chamomile tea and I am sitting in the chair beside Señora's bed crying and trying to understand and after a while after Mother Yolla rubs my back and holds my hands in hers Teresa she is my dear dear friend just like Nina, just like my dear friend Nina for whom I wrote this story started writing it in 1995 when Nina had cancer and I wanted to write something to distract her from her misery the misery that is chemotherapy and there it was, the birth of Sister Mysteries.

Sister Teresa hands me the cup of warm tea and later she puts me to bed like the baby I want to be there for BABY C Mary my therapist told me, invite your depression in like a baby, nurture her pick her up, just like a newborn, every morning climb out of your dark cave, tell her you will be there for her no matter how sad she is no matter what she says no matter what you tell her you will be there for her forever and then the universe will partner with you and

YES MARY IT IS STARTING TO HAPPEN when I meditated this morning I felt it I felt the universe open up

I take the cup of tea from Teresa and sip it just a few times and I'm saying to Teresa, "Señora told me I have to turn in those two missing pages from my journal I must show them to the authorities..." I am heaving and hiccuping and Teresa takes the cup of tea from me
and sits
on
the
bed
and says, "Shhhhhh, Renata, you've got to rest now, you've been up all night with Señora, get some sleep now, we'll talk about it later my

hear me Teresa hear me? She wants me to turn the pages of the journal into the authorities she wants me to show them to the world

IT'S TIME I PUBLISHED THEM RIGHT HERE ON THE SISTER MYSTERIES BLOG TO SHOW THE WORLD HOW SEÑORA WAS THE ONE WHO HELPED ANTONIE TO FINISH HIS LIFE SHE WIELDED THE KNIFE NOT ME NOT ME

"You've got to sleep now Renata," and she forces me onto my stomach and she rubs my back in big gentle circles her hands so strong i have loved her so long, I have been WRITING SISTER MYSTERIES FOR EIGHTEEN FUCKING YEARS AND HERE NOW HERE NOW

Here is CHAPTER 65 -- FINALLY THE MISSING PAGES OF RENATA'S JOURNAL, THE MYSTERY OF ANTONIE'S DEATH IS FINALLY RESOLVED!! It's about time it's about timeless it is a timeless story of freedom, a liberation story that is exactly what it is 

mine and Renata's together

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